Just cropdusted the office
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
