tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
