i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
