fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
