I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
