woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
