Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
