I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
