I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
