As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
