Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Who died my cat blue again?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
