you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
