I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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