hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
wat bout pragnant strippers??
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
