12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
