i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
