Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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