it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
