Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
