wrigley field is MILF paradise
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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