You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
