mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
