remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
