did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
