i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
