I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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