Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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