My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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