There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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