i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
