i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
