Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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