I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
