I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Tornado booty call.. dedication
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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