You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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