Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
