Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
