Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Your cock deserves a montage
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
