we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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