There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
