Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
