Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
