I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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