one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
