Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
