My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
