He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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