Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
