It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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