So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
